The self love you owe others: On risking connection by Lara Lowinski

There is something that has long felt unfair to me about the way things are; it is the fact that the more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be for you to connect to people. In some ways, for those of us who are on the shyer side, it almost feels like the universe is punishing you, like it’s all some divine humiliation: what you crave the most is being understood, but the very thing that you need to do to get that connection is to go against what you have established to be “your nature”.

I often get the urge to capture moments and people, especially when they don't realize how beautifully they are existing

I am a person. Sometimes I need to repeat that back to myself. I struggle a lot with feeling like a passive player in my life. This was not made better by the fact that my driving instructor once told me, and I quote: “You are not an actor but a watcher in your life”. In car terms, he basically told me that I live my life from the backseat. Now, I know that he was probably just referring to my very below-average driving skills, but he definitely struck a chord with that remark. It felt like I was listening to my own conscience talking, scolding me for every word I had left unsaid, every hand unheld. For the rest of the driving lesson, I was pretty shaken up, because he could tell; just from the way that I manoeuvre a car around streets, he had deduced something about the way I live my life. This last year, I made it a goal to be more forgiving of myself, in hopes that I can be more forgiving of others. 

Oftentimes, I wonder if people think that I am judging or feeling low when I get quiet. I often get the urge to capture moments and people, especially when they don’t realise how beautifully they are existing. I like to appreciate people and take them in. I like the look on their faces, the look when one is oblivious to the miracle of their being. But how could they ever know that? Shy people, speaking from experience, because they are so observant, sometimes have this delusion that they are mind readers, and the issue is that they like to ascribe this talent to the people around them too. Sadly, the only real way we have to connect to people is through our actions. As much as I would love to telepathically tell people I think they are really cool, sometimes a simple smile works wonders. 

But it gets worse; it is a law of the universe that if you want something, you need to detach from the result. So, the best way to actually form more connections, is to send positive signals out, without expecting anything in return. It means always leaving the door open, just a crack, showing up every day with a smile on your lips, a gentle invitation saying “I see you”. You would be surprised how many people are dying to connect. It is a trap to think that others have the whole human thing better figured out, they don't. So even in the event that you do get rejected, it should give you some comfort to know that it most likely has little to do with yourself. 

The art of being yourself radically in any situation, no matter who is around, is the most precious quality I notice in others. The thing is, it radiates off of them. You can feel it in the air when someone like that is around. The room shifts, and it gives others the permission to exist without policing themselves too. I don’t know if those people are doing it intentionally or if there is any thought behind it at all (probably not, that's the whole point), but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you are opening yourself up, you are inviting in the world. The good and the bad. Heartbreak, rejection, sticky hands, drunk conversations in the bathroom, jokes that don’t land, bruises, a rejuvenating hug, and awkward handshakes. Sometimes I want to grab those people, the ones whose light shines so bright it makes you see yourself more clearly, and shake them until they reveal their secret to me.

It is a trap to think that others have the whole human thing better figured out, they don't.

The hard truth is, there is no secret, and there never was. Confidence may be innate for some, but for most, it is a muscle, a muscle that you can train by simply making a decision. That's what driving is all about too; it's about making decisions and sticking to them. Every time I get on the road, I risk getting into an accident. But never finding out whether I could potentially one day become a decent driver is an even bigger risk, one that I refuse to accept. Just like driving, attempting connection also involves taking a risk; it involves accepting the uncertainty and unpredictable nature of human interactions. 

This year, I have come to look at my anger at the universe from a different perspective. Maybe the world is being unfair to me only insofar that I have been unfair to myself, and to the people around me. Community involves sacrifice; if you want something, you need to accept the chance that you might not get it. You need to let people see the human in you, and reach out, even if you feel like your hands are dirty. Connection involves letting go of the idea that you need to perfect yourself before the world gets to see you. I have learned this through my trial and errors: it is better to show up, unfinished, too much or too little, then to not show up at all. Don’t rob people of their chance at loving you. What a waste that would be.