Engaging the Fig Tree By Akke Hettema

I have long wanted to write an article for the Boomerang. Many ideas have come into my head, but because of my own doubts and self-criticism, they have been dismissed. Although I would consider myself quite knowledgeable, sometimes even smart, every time I have an opinion I deem worth writing about, I find myself overanalysing anything I have ever thought, which always results in dismissal. Looking at Master's I might want to apply to, my eye keeps falling on journalism and documentary courses. Apart from the fact that there might not be money or a future in this (or maybe there is, I might be pessimistic), I have also realised that, yes, in my head I might be this celebrated writer, and looking at a bright future of producing Pulitzer prize-winning journalism, but that is just not the truth. I am scared to share my opinions with others, especially in a journal like the Boomerang, at a place like UCU. Knowing that everyone I see every day will read and judge something that I have put a lot of effort and care into terrifies me. 

I am, in the end, confident enough to realise that it doesn’t matter what people think of my opinions, and that they’ll just have to deal with it. But that doesn’t stop me from being scared.

I am quite dramatic, and love to believe in the unimaginable, so a daydream about how I will be kicked out of UCU after people read my work and realise that everything I have ever done is a scam, and that I should probably go back to high school to learn some basic skills, is something that occurs quite often. When I say ‘opinion’, this could mean anything. I have tried writing pieces on subjects from my love for the UCSA bar to pieces on Palestinian freedom fighters. It doesn’t help that my friends are some of the most creative and talented people I have ever met, and that (again, this might be a bit dramatic) they will read my mediocre think-piece, instantly cut all ties, and replace me with someone who resembles me, just more fun and talented. Now, I am rational enough to know that this won’t happen, just as I am, in the end, confident enough to realise that it doesn’t matter what people think of my opinions, and that they’ll just have to deal with it. But that doesn’t stop me from being scared. 

When Louise passed away, and we as a friend group all got tattoos of fig trees for her, I read Sylvia Plath’s Bell Jar for the first time, since that did seem like an important prerequisite for getting that specific tattoo. Of course, I am not the first person to feel seen by Plath’s fig tree analogy, but yes, it did strike a chord. After losing Louise, a person so full of creativity, passion, and talent that it often astounded me, I began to think about why I was not creating the things I wanted to. Creating, especially writing music, has always been a way for me to feel my emotions, and I have even gone as far as to say that I need to be sad in order to write songs, because happiness doesn’t need to be processed; it just needs to be lived. 

The fig tree analogy might be a bit overdone and clichéd, but it does capture what I often feel. There is too much out there, so I will just do nothing. And I don’t want to feel like that anymore.

However, since UCU, that has changed. I have so many aspirations and ideas, and although I feel the intrinsic motivation to create art and convey my feelings in it, I never actually go through with it. I get stuck in the overwhelming thoughts of everything that is possible, combined with the vulnerability that comes with putting your emotions into something uncontrollable. This has been a pattern in my life in general, with my tendency to constantly be busy thinking of and planning new projects and plans, but it has also been bothering me for a while. I started writing this as a distraction from the online math course I signed myself up for, during an internship I applied for myself. The fig tree analogy might be a bit overdone and clichéd, but it does capture what I often feel. There is too much out there, so I will just do nothing. And I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Louise has shown me that you do not have to choose. You can actually do everything, as long as you have a passion for it and you just give it a try. And that’s what I will be doing.